Ask the Curmudgeon

curmudgeon logo2The WC has been busy with family matters for the last week, so we offer this “best of” collection from the popular Ask the Curmudgeon column:

Dear Curmudgeon,

Our 18 year old daughter has been going with an Italian man twice her age for the past several years.  He has had a rough past and had trouble transitioning from prison to civilian life, but the bible says that to forgive is divine and so we have always tried to be supportive.   Don C. was able to get a college degree and now works as a financial advisor.

We have met him socially several times in the past, and my husband sometimes goes with him to the gun range for practice.  Recently we were invited to dinner at their apartment and my husband noticed several books on his shelf that concern us.  In addition to the Bible, Don C. had something called the Bagdad Gita, some sort of foreign medical book called the Karma Suture, and a copy of the Koran.

We are now concerned for our daughter’s safety.  What should we do?

Good Christian Parents

Dear Good Christian Parents,

Borrow the good Don’s medical book and try position number 23.  You’ll have to take your head out of your ass to master that one.

The Curmudgeon

****

Dear Curmudgeonly Person,

I am a 23 year old female living at home.  My father (not his real name) has become more and more bitter over the past several years.  After mom died he took on a second job to help put me through college, but he had to give that up when he lost his leg in the accident.  I had to take out student loans to finish my senior year, but I graduated with a degree in literary history.

He lost his other job when he got the brain tumor and now works from home to handle the medical bills since he lost his health care insurance.

Recently he has taken to listening to Rush Limbaugh when he is not making telemarketing calls.  This is terribly annoying and I can’t concentrate on writing my Romance novel.  What can I do?

At My Wits End

Dear Wit’s End,

Your father is suffering from a common American ailment known as Post Traumatic Gratitude Syndrome.  I would suggest you do something nice for him like building him an office out of an old refrigerator box and getting him a set of ear buds for his radio.  This will help bring home to him how alone in the world he really is and increase his appreciation of Mr.  Limbaugh while giving you the peace and quiet you need to finish the Great American Romance Novel.

The WC

****

Dear Willowbrook Curmudgeon,

We live on a quiet cul-de-sac in a beautiful part of town.  We keep our lawn immaculate and my husband sweeps our driveway every week.  My gladiolus are the envy of everyone we know.

Our neighbors, on the other hand, still have political signs in their yard from the last election that say “Obama/Biden.”  We have begged them to take them down since they are obviously decreasing the property values of the neighborhood, but they have ignored all appeals to reason.  They don’t trim the grass around the signs and it looks horrible.  We always take the lawn scissors and neatly trim around our “Bush/Cheney” signs.

Any help will be appreciated.

Concerned Citizens

Dear Concerned,

Have your husband invite the neighbor on a hunting trip.

The WC

 ****

Dear WC,

My sister voted Democratic in the last election and my parents disowned her.  They refuse to accept her phone calls or allow her in their home.  Last Christmas she sent them a lovely present which they returned unopened.  She has promised never to vote again, but that has not appeased them.  I love my sister dearly and hate to see her suffer even though she has joined the dark side.  What can I do to help?

Distraught Brother

Dear Distraught,

Unfortunately, this is a common scenario in conservative families today.  It seems more and more black sheep are showing up who tarnish the good family name,  gay daughters, Rastafarian marrying daughters, and even treasonous daughters like your sister.  You don’t mention whether you have held an intervention.  If not, it’s probably the first place to start.  Voting Democratic is a disease that can be cured.  If that fails, you may have to accept the fact that social influences sometimes trump genetics.  I’m sorry.

The WC

 ****

You bastard,

I am so sick of your bleeding-heart liberal bullshit advice.  When will you Nazi Communist SOBs realize that your atheist spew is ruining the mortal fabric of this Great Nation?  Our four fathers wrote the Constitution to protect us from scum like you.  It’s based on the bible and it says that I have the right to say anything I want without being subjected to your homo ravings.

A Patriot

Dear Patriot,

This is not a true Patriot rant.  You give yourself away because you don’t mention Reagan, the flag, or trucks with bumper stickers and you know how to spell atheist.  Please stop writing to me like this mom.

The WC

****

And finally, with apologies to John Prine:

[To more fully appreciate what follows, please go here for the original lyrics and to get the melody stuck in your head for the next three weeks.]

Ask the Curmudgeon

(to the tune of John Prine’s “Dear Abby”)

Curmudgeon, Curmudgeon…

My life really reeks

I live every day on the banks of shit creek

My friends are all nut jobs and tea party types

Won’t you write me an email, won’t you give me a Skype.

Signed, A Liberal

space

A Liberal, A liberal…

You have no complaint.

You are what you are and you ain’t what you ain’t.

So listen up liberal, and listen up well,

Keep your politics private, don’t ask and don’t tell.

Signed, Curmudgeon

sp

Curmudgeon, Curmudgeon…

I wish I were dead

My neighbor’s a liberal, he’s sick in the head.

He voted Obama not once but again

And my preacher has told me that’s called mortal sin.

Signed, Conservative

sp

Conservative, Conservative…

You have no complaint.

You are what you are and you ain’t what you aint.

So listen up buddy, and listen up well,

Keep your politics private, don’t ask and don’t tell.

Signed, Curmudgeon

sp

Curmudgeon, Curmudgeon…

I think I’m distraught.

The Left and the Right are so easily bought.

They listen to Fox and MSNBC

They are not independent and righteous like me.

Signed, My Own Man

sp

My Own Man, My Own Man

You have no complaint.

You are what you are and you ain’t what you ain’t.

So listen up Righteous and listen up well,

Keep your politics private, don’t ask and don’t tell.

Signed, Curmudgeon

space

Your Humble Servant,

The Willowbrook Curmudgeon

3 thoughts on “Ask the Curmudgeon

  1. Curmudgeon, Curmudgeon…
    I think you’re advice stinks
    The problem with politics is that no one thinks
    This country’s about freedom for love and for guns
    If you’ve got a good idea then tell everyone
    Signed, Just Sayin’

    Like

    • Just Sayin’, Just Sayin’…

      Your verse doesn’t scan
      I guess that’s OK for a gun totin’ man.
      Just get into med school and make your mom beam
      And thanks for your service, glad you’re on our team.

      Signed Curmudgeon

      Like

  2. Curmudgeon, Curmudgeon, Your rant made me laugh!
    I now am convinced I am on the right path.
    I needed some humor to brighten my day,
    and make me all joyous, happy and gay!

    Dixie Chick

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s